Sex and Marriage

I've been noticing that the most popular articles on this blogzine - by far! - are those about sex. And it's fair enough, too. There's often an unspoken assumption in the christian church that marriage = sex. Young couples are encouraged to stay 'pure' until they marry, to get the best out of life and sex. And while I don't disagree that marriage and sex should go together, it's a very obvious fact that sometimes they don't. So... what to do if the sex is lacking in your marriage?

Step 1: Let go of negative thoughts about your sex life (or lack thereof). In particular, watch for thoughts against your spouse - "she's doing it deliberately" or "he's just lazy". Challenge them. Try thinking, "what can we do about it?" instead. Ask God for help on this step, it can be very hard to change your thought patterns.

Step 2: Have a look at Lori's article on reasons for loss of desire. Have a good think about possible reasons for the lack of sex in your marriage.

Step 3: Talk to your spouse. Ask for his or her opinion on your sex life, and what they think might be the cause of any problems. Ask what they think the two of you - as a team - can do about it. Allow time for thought, don't expect immediate answers. And try not to get defensive about any answers that sound like attacks.

Step 4: Think about what your spouse said. Did they highlight anything that you hadn't thought of? Are there any changes you could make - and if you could, should you? Pray before deciding this for sure.

Step 5: Together choose a solution or two to implement together. Start small, and commit to doing whatever it is longterm. It might be having a date night once a week, or trying a new position each month, or you mowing the lawn every week and her serving dinner earlier. Whatever. But make sure it's not just one person carrying the burden of change.

Step 6: Follow through. See how it goes. If it falls down, go back to Step 1 and try again.

Spice Up Your Love Life (no sex toys required)

Here's an idea for celebrating the New Year.

No matter how good your marriage, it's a sure bet that it could be better. Unless, of course, you're the perfect woman married to the perfect man - in which case, I want to talk to you!

So here's the challenge. It's not a unique idea, mind you, but it's practically guaranteed to change your relationship in some way. Even if it's subtle. First, read this article on Christianity Today about love languages. Then, every day come up with one or two small things to do for your spouse to say "I love you". If you're certain of your spouse's 'love language', then primarily use that category (but use the other ones occasionally as well).

For example:

Day One: love note in his wallet, and a slice of his favourite cake in his briefcase
Day Two: give him a massage while watching CSI together
Day Three: do one of his chores for him
Day Four: play cards, a boardgame or a console game together
Day Five: leave a chocolate on his pillow
Day Six: tell him something you appreciate about his character
Day Seven: organise a romantic picnic (even if it is in the loungeroom)

I hope the above provides some ideas. The concept is really to focus on doing small, loving things regularly to bring a smile to your spouse's face. It's not guaranteed to save a struggling marriage. It may bring absolutely no return from your spouse. If you can, do it with no expectations whatsoever.

If you need more ideas, try subscribing to Lori's Generous Wife mailing list. She sends out daily emails containing ideas for being nice to your husband.


Naomi

Marriage Won't Solve It

Whatever the problem, there's a good chance that marriage won't fix it.

Sex-starved? No guarantee that marriage will provide sex on tap. In fact, health issues could cause sex-hiatuses of months or years.

Lonely? Being stuck with someone whose loving feelings have changed to resentment and rage will probably make you feel more lonely.

Incomplete? Two jigsaw puzzles missing pieces don't combine to make one beautiful picture. They make a bigger mess.

Pregnant? Living with someone who's abusive will scar a child far more than having their parents live in different houses.

Whoaaa, I hear you say. Stop! What a ridiculously negative portrait of marriage! Why are you trying to tear down one of God's sacred institutions? What about all those couples who are blissfully happy and in love?

They're not trying to make marriage fix all their problems.

Marriage is a wonderful thing. It was instituted by God. I'm married. I wouldn't swap being married for the world.

BUT.

It's a situation that maturity, wholeness and love make beautiful, and immaturity, vice and laziness can make a living hell.

Life. Face it with courage, humility and a big dose of love, and whatever happens, you'll weather it and triumph. Face it with fear, pride and hatred, and you'll crumble. Marriage is two people's lives... both the highs and lows squared. Two people triumphing or crumbling together... and making their situation worse or better with every action and word.

Get married. You have my blessing (not that you need it). But make sure that you'll actually improve the life of your spouse - and they'll do the same for you.


Naomi

Lack of Desire

There are a number of reasons a person might lack sexual desire for their spouse. When you consider that sexual desire starts with what happens between your ears and then is greatly influenced by the marriage relationship itself, it is understandable that most of what is going to stall desire will be personal or relational in nature. There are, of course, some physical problems that can affect sexual desire too.

The following list can be used to identify problems or potential problems.

PERSONAL / EMOTIONAL ISSUES

Poor self image, poor sexual self image, inhibitions - Our culture and, sadly, the church have played havoc with how we see ourselves and our sexuality. Feeling bad about how we look or how we might perform sexually can fill some with dread that steals sex drive. Being ashamed of our body, or feeling one part of it is too small or strange looking, is counter productive to sexual desire.
Fear of intimacy - wounds from past relationships can be carried into present ones, making it difficult to desire intimacy and oneness. Men may fear intimacy because they think it's "weak" or unmanly.

Childhood sexual abuse, molestation, rape - In order to dull the pain, fear and shame associated with a previous sexual experience, many victims repress or fight their natural sex drive.

Lack of privacy - living in close quarters with parents or (foster, natural, or step) children. This is more likely to effect women than men.

Guilt from (false or genuine) sexual sin - guilt over masturbation, playing doctor, promiscuity, abortion, premarital sex with your spouse, non-marital sex before you met your spouse, viewing pornography, adultery, etc. can make approaching sex very painful. Growing up in a strict anti-sex household can make people feel guilty about normal and natural sexual thoughts and desires. Some even feel guilty about their desire for their spouse. Still others feel guilt over things they want to do with their spouse; things they themselves believe are wrong or "kinky," or believe their spouse would consider weird or sinful.

Busyness, stress, anxiety - it takes a certain amount of time and relaxation to make sex work. Always being stressed out or having too much to do will eventually wear out your sex drive.

Depression - depression puts the skids on everything in your life, including sex drive.

Unforgivingness, deep grief, bitterness, fear, anger, hate - strong negative emotions steal emotional energy from the rest of your life. These emotions don't even have to be directed toward your spouse to have them affect your sex drive.

Other outlets - Investing large amounts of time into work or being emotionally involved with other people (real or not) can tie up the desire and energy that you need for your spouse. This may sound fairly simplistic, but it represents a host of problems - workaholism, a too busy lifestyle, preferring friends (male or female) over your spouse, an over active fantasy life, adultery, romance novels, pornography, masturbation and other sexual addictions - anything that ties up your time and emotions to the degree that it drains dry what you need to emotionally and physically desire your spouse.


When lack of sexual desire is grounded in a personal or emotional issue, it is helpful to talk it out. Pray and seek out encouraging folk (your spouse, a friend or counselor)who will help you face and deal with the problem in an atmosphere of safety and understanding.

As the problems are faced and dealt with, the natural sex drive will begin to assert itself (or your natural drive can be more correctly directed toward your spouse). You may need to concentrate on your sexuality for awhile until it feels more natural for you.

RELATIONAL ISSUES

Lack of nonsexual intimacy - it's difficult to desire someone that is a stranger to you. Over the long haul of marriage, your sex drive needs something relational to work with (Paul is always saying that the time you spend in nonsexual interaction becomes the building blocks for sexual intimacy).

Lack of sexual intimacy, sexual dysfunctions, frustration, disappointment - repeatedly being rebuffed sexually can emotionally, and eventually physically, stall your sex drive. The same can happen for repeated lack of orgasm, impotence, premature ejaculation, retarded ejaculation, or other disappointments in the bedroom.

Poor sexual technique, lack of knowledge about sexuality - a lack of understanding can cause things to go poorly in the bedroom. This can open the door to repeated disappointment and frustration which can in turn cause a lack of interest. A lack of understanding of gender and personality differences can cause a good deal of friction in and out of the bedroom.

Lack of trust, betrayal, adultery - intimate relationships need a certain level of trust and commitment to operate well. When one spouse has abused the trust of the other, desire for intimacy is diminished.

Lack of respect, abuse, manipulation, selfishness - it is extremely difficult to desire intimacy with someone who does not show genuine love or who consistently diminishes your worth and value in some way.

Boredom - Most of us wouldn't get excited about eating the same thing everyday for years; sex is no different. Fear about what the other would think can keep these feeling from being expressed, and the boredom just grows.


Relational issues are a bit tougher to resolve as they involve two people, rather than one. But if both people are willing to work at it, difficulties can be resolved. Pray over your marriage. Read good marriage books and implement their advice or visit and learn from a happily married couple. Sometimes it is helpful to seek out a counselor to resolve particularly difficult problems.

PHYSICAL ISSUES

Medical conditions - anaemia, high blood pressure, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and hemochromatosis among others. Undiagnosed thyroid disease is suspected by some doctors to be responsible for a significant number of cases of low sex drive.

Medicine, medical treatments and drugs - alcohol, prescription drugs, and street drugs are probably the single most common causes of low sex drive. Chemotherapy, high blood pressure medicine, antidepressants, tranquillisers and other medicines and medical treatments can affect sex drive. It may be possible to correct much of this by changing medications and/or dosages, so let your doctor know about the problems. Alcoholism is a very common sex drive killer in men.

Hormones - a woman's natural hormone cycle gives her periods of greater and lesser sexual desire. Hormones can also affect sexual drive during pregnancy, lactation and at menopause. Low testosterone reduces sex drive in both men and women, but this is actually rare in men.

Exhaustion - being occasionally tired happens to us all, but chronic exhaustion means you need to check your priorities. Eat well and get adequate rest and exercise (cut back or cut out the smoking and drinking). In men exhaustion can impair erection even if the man desires sex; similar impairment of function is believed to occur in women who are too tired.

Painful sex - infections, a poorly healed episiotomy, endometriosis, back problems and other conditions can cause sex to be uncomfortable or painful, making sex undesirable.


For health related problems, see your doctor! Change your lifestyle to take care of yourself and get educated about the physical / technical aspects of sexual intimacy.


Now, y'all, don't use this list to beat each over the head with. :) Take the time to prayerfully look at what you contribute, both positively and negatively, to your marriage. Then look to see how you can help your spouse with what they bring to it also. Think: prayer, forgiveness, encouragement, creative ideas ...


Lori

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